January 5, 2010: To A Son Getting Married (Part 3)

Ben, be courteous to your wife.

You are a courteous man already, and this bodes well for your marriage. I’m writing this not as an admonition, really, but just as an encouragement to keep doing for the next few decades what you’re doing now.

The importance of showing common courtesy to your spouse is one of many things I remember being alerted to first in the writings of C. S. Lewis. He has an essay titled “The Sermon And The Lunch” where he talks about a clergyman who extols from the pulpit the sweet comfort of relaxed domesticity where a man can retreat from the world and just be himself. It turns out the minister practices what he preaches. When he’s home (as Lewis discovers as a lunch guest), the minister throws away all binding constraints of civility and treats his family with rudeness.

I’ve seen that kind of thing many times, and I’m sure you have too. There are men who treat their colleagues, clients, patients, students, customers, parishioners(!) with perfect professional courtesy during the day and then go home and are mean to their families at night. They would never think of being abrupt or dismissive toward a visitor at the office. Total strangers that they happen to meet are almost always received with grace. But at home they take off the mask of good will, and their spouses see a side of them that the world would never suspect.

My point is that you can never take off the mask. Wear it till it becomes you. If you will permit this contrastive analogy: though our spouses can see us naked and the rest of the world may not, even our spouses must never be allowed to see us denuded of common grace and good cheer.

You mentioned an incident where you walked into a room and the individual there neither looked up nor said “hello”. Perfect example. We accept that kind of behavior from someone with autism or related malady, but we know that if the snubber is not socially handicapped then he is just being hostile. He could never get away with such hostility in the workplace - especially if he had your job as a host at a restaurant!

I’m glad you have had the work experience of greeting people warmly hour after wearying hour no matter how contemptuously they treat you. That is good training. Greet your wife warmly too, even though you see her every day and she is no stranger. Familiarity with her will reduce the formality of your greetings but must never blunt their kindness.

Many years ago a co-worker of your grandfather eavesdropped on a phone conversation he had with your grandmother. Stunned by your grandfather’s affectionate way of addressing his wife, the man later said, “After 30 years of marriage I hope I’m talking to my wife the way Lowell does to his.” Go and do likewise.