January 12, 2010: To A Son Getting Married (Part 4)

One last piece of counsel, Ben, before I move on to other things. Simply this: share everything and hide nothing.

I recall a line of dialogue from a movie I saw years ago, though I can't remember the movie or whether I saw more than 30 seconds of it. A man was explaining to somebody the happiness of his marriage and said something like, "She knows the worst thing about me, and it is still ok." He was asked what that worst thing was, and said that he wasn't speaking about one thing in particular - just that generally she knew everything there was to know about him, and accepted him anyway. (Presumably he accepted her likewise.)

That kind of openness is essential. It is not right to hide things from your wife, or blindside her with sudden revelations that would devastate her. Get it all out there now.

Unless I am very self-deceived, I think I practice what I preach. I have only one email account, and Lisa knows the password. Everything I've written is available to her. She even knew my sexual orientation (January 20 and 27, 2009: "A Life Incongruent With Who You Are" and "Wait, Seriously?") before we got engaged. One of the first things I did when we began dating was give her your mother's phone number and email address so that, if she had questions about me, she could speak freely to the person who was married to me for 20 years. It was and is important for me that she see that all my cards are on the table. I have no secret bank accounts, she can see all the websites I visit, and - unlike Tiger Woods - I don't need to hide my phone from her.

It goes both ways of course. One of the things that first knit my heart to hers was her stunning transparency. It floored me. I saw immediately that she was as honest as a child who simply hasn't learned the subtle tricks of obfuscation and people-pleasing.

Be an open book to your wife, Ben. Tell her plainly what you like and don't like - don't make her have to guess. (At the same time, labor to become the kind of person who has so many likes and so few dislikes that Amy will find it easy to please you and hard to displease you.) Hide nothing. I have seen so many relationships ruined by secrets guarded and nurtured and indulged. Better to be like Johnny Depp in "Ed Wood" where he tells his girlfriend that - though heterosexual - he likes to wear women's clothing, or like Harvey Pekar in "American Splendor" when he tells a woman - before they can start a relationship - that he's had a vasectomy and won't be having children.

In the Bible God asks himself in Genesis 18:17, "Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do?" and decides that he will disclose everything to his chosen one. Likewise in John 15:15 Jesus tells his disciples, "I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you."

Talk, reveal, do not shield, and keep doing that for the rest of your life.

Oh, and one more thing. Read the October 13, 2009 Pastor's Page "On Praising Spouses".

God bless you both.