Terminal Narcissism (March 4, 2007)

I wonder if narcissists can get better.

The other day in correspondence with a friend I wrote, "There is a joy
that consists of nothing more than pleasing someone else, and I am
sorry for those who cannot feel it." I wonder if certain people can
learn to feel it, be made or taught or shamed into feeling it.

There is such a thing as acquired love. Certain things we just like or
dislike from the get-go: I like General Tso's chicken and icicles at
Starved Rock and a no-holds-barred abstract argument; you like fried
squid and the Auto Show and polite small talk. Neither of us made the
effort to delight in our separate pleasures - the joys of them came
ready-made. But have you never learned to like something that once
held no attraction? I know that I learned to like soccer only as an
adult. And though I did not like coffee when I began drinking it as a
child, by now it has become my elixir of the dawn.

Of course, no duty requires a person to like soccer or coffee - unless
perhaps he lives in Latin America or is raised by Swedes. But duty
does require us to learn the joy of selflessness. What I'm wondering
now is whether narcissists are as incapable of experiencing this
pleasure as autistics are of delighting in social play.

In the Chicago Tribune's "Ask Amy" column recently a husband complained about his wife: "[S]he says that she needs time away from us. She leaves for work at 6 a.m. and returns at 6 p.m. Then she takes two classes each week to further her education. On Fridays she has been stopping by a lounge for a couple of drinks...I pick the boys up after work, make supper; lunches, do homework with them...Now she tells me that she wants to go to a gym four times per week after work...".

Life has equipped me with certain sympathies. As I read the words of this frustrated "single dad," I felt as though all the blood was draining out of my body.

Amy suggested to the man that he and his wife get counseling, and I thought, "Oh Amy, Amy. Come on. Narcissists like this poor man's wife don't go to counseling. They just do what makes them happy, and since counseling won't do that for them, they won't go. Or if they go, they'll attend a session or two and say, 'That counselor is a jerk!'"

So what would I say to the man? Something like, "God be with you. You are married to a narcissist who stands a snowball's chance in hell of getting better. Be strong and courageous. Determine to be the best father you can be to your boys."

I cannot cure the narcissist in your life, but I can preach a word of exhortation to you who read these words. Teach yourself, if you lack it now, the joy of pleasing someone else. There is joy in it, trust me, real joy - a natural high for some, an acquired taste for others. If you are not a terminal narcissist, you will know exactly what I mean.