Scary Dad (November 16, 2003)

I’ve got a couple teenage boys. I’d like to share with you my method for keeping them off drugs.

It starts with example. My boys know that in all my life I have never used any kind of drug, or even smoked a cigarette or tasted a beer. Though I am guilty of many things, when it comes to substance abuse I’m clean as new-fallen snow.

That is not to say I’m not an addict. Since the age of eight I’ve started every day with a cup of coffee, and though I don’t drink a lot (never more than 2-3 cups a day), a daily caffeine fix is part of who I am. I also bite my nails (disgusting habit!), and would probably quiver like Rain Man missing Judge Wapner if those nails ever needed biting and I tried to resist.

I suspect that I am a dry alcoholic - that is, prone by genetics or disposition to be chemically enslaved - but I’ll never find out for sure because I’ll never take a drink. I’ve told my boys that a number of times: Never take the first drink, the first pill, the first joint, the first cigarette. Never consider yourself immune to addiction - I don’t. Both my boys know people who tried their first “whatever” and
then never stopped.

My other method is intimidation. I have spelled out for them with ringing clarity what I would do if I ever found, say, marijuana in their possession. I would call the police immediately and have them arrested, and I would not bail them out. They would spend time in jail. They know this, I’ve repeated it, they know I mean it, and they know I would follow through.

I know that some would see this approach as brutal and unloving, but I see it quite the other way. My message to both my boys is, “I love you enough to tell you ahead of time so that you know with 100 percent certainty that I will abandon your carcass to jail if you ever do drugs.

“So don’t do them.”