What Never To Say To A Divorced Person

"We do not judge you."

I heard three pastors of the same megachurch say this to their group over the course of a few weeks in the spring of 2009. They were addressing divorcees. "If you are divorced, we want you to know this: we do not judge you." No doubt many divorced persons heard these words with gratitude. Having felt condemned elsewhere, they were assured that here they would be received with grace. The refusal to judge seemed intentional and premeditated. Since three pastors said it over a short time, I assumed that the senior pastor must have given the order at a staff meeting: "Get this message out: we do not judge divorced people."

Who could have a problem with that?

Me. I have a problem with it. It is wrong on two levels.

First, the overt pledge not to judge divorced persons fails to understand just how victimized some divorcees have been. To say to them, "I do not judge you" is like saying, "I forgive you" to someone who hasn't done anything wrong.

To illustrate: suppose a good woman has been beaten senseless by her evil husband. She is in the hospital in intensive care - concussed, straining to breathe because of broken ribs, struggling to talk through missing teeth and swollen lips. What would you think of someone who went up to her, touched her hand and said sweetly, "Megan, listen to me. I just want you to know that I do not judge you."

What? You don't judge her? Oh, good for you! How can the idea of judging such a person register enough plausibility that the temptation to it must be nobly dismissed,and the victim assured that she will not be looked down upon? Good heavens, of course you don't judge her! You don't even think of it, much less mention it. The thought of judging her is so offensive that its conscious rejection is troubling rather than reassuring. If you say to someone who has been gang-raped, "I don't judge you," you deserve a contemptuous glare and a "Go away!" rather than a "Oh, thank you so very much."

I am not equating divorce with torture and rape. I am simply pointing out that no victim of any kind is comforted by the assurance that his condition will not call forth judgment. Of course it won't. It is inappropriate to bring it up.

Three true stories, names changed:

Ann loved her husband Bill and raised three children with him over 25 years. A few months after her mother died and their 20-year-old son was murdered, Bill abruptly informed Ann that he had been having an affair for years and he was going to divorce her. Meanwhile he had run his business into the ground and their house teetered on foreclosure. Ann attended the trial of her son's killer alone. Newly impoverished, she scrambled to find work as a daycare assistant and janitor. An old high school friend, now drug-addicted, let her move in so she could have a place to stay.

Carl and Diane were married for 20 years and had two teenage boys. Half way into their marriage Diane got two Masters degrees. She "went college gay" (her own words, later), and secretly cheated on Carl with lesbian friends while treating him with contempt and neglect. Without warning she sprang divorce papers on him. Carl is a religious man who does not believe in divorce, but to his shock he suddenly found himself a penniless single dad divorced against his will.

After 30 years of marriage, Edward left his faithful wife Felicia for a stripper half his age whom he had impregnated. Felicia was left with the two teenage boys they had adopted as toddlers and who manifest profound behavior disorders. The divorce left her financially strapped. Felicia despairs, and struggles to make it through the day.

It is not right to say to Ann, Carl or Felicia, "We do not judge you." That is something you might say to a person who merits judgment but to whom you have decided to extend grace. It is what Jesus is reported to have said to a woman caught in adultery in John 8:11 ("Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more."). But it is not at all what the Good Samaritan would have said to the beaten-and-bruised crime victim he found by the side of the road (Luke 10:30-35). Do not say to victims, "I don't judge you." Instead, bear their burdens and bind their wounds.

I said that telling divorced people you won't judge them is wrong on two levels. The second level is the flip side of the first. Suppose that one of the scoundrels above - Bill, Diane or Edward - walks into your church with their current partner. In their wake they have left abandoned spouses and neglected children and ruined lives that you know nothing about. They feel no guilt. Their charred consciences are insensitive to self-accusation. They have worshiped so long at the temple of self-indulgence that nothing will hinder their narcissism from wreaking future havoc.

Would you really say to such people, "We don't judge you"? What music to their ears that would be! These scum-mongers have never judged themselves, but they sure have gotten sick and tired of moralistic prudes looking down on them and disapproving of their behavior. When you tell them they won't be judged, they think, "Finally! It's about time! It's been hard to find a group that will let me go around destroying people without making me feel all guilty about it." Their cold-hearted, reptilian drive to exploit and discard others will meet no resistance in your preemptive, ill-conceived determination not to judge them.

No two divorces are alike, and no two divorcees are alike. Some cry out for judgment, rebuke, repentance, and demands for restitution. Others call for charity, compassion, and comfort. Till you know more, say nothing about judgment.