Graciousness 6: Just Ask A Question

(A continuation of an occasional series, see previous posts March 24-April 21, 2009 and May 6, 2011.)

In my last post on this topic I said that gracious people answer your questions directly and sincerely. Recently I noticed something else: gracious people ask you questions. They're interested in what you have to say.

What brought this to mind what was a situation where my wife and I sat at the kitchen table and listened to one person speak for a very, very long time. During a brief intermission my lovely wife - as gracious a woman as the sun has ever risen upon - confessed to me that she was going nuts. Then afterward she begged me to shoot her if advancing years ever turned her into a monologist.

What I noticed mainly was that the person who was talking to us never once asked us a question.

If people know a lot about you, but you know little about them, it may be because you have been filling them in with details about your life and thoughts and opinions and dreams without ever stopping to ask about theirs. Start asking them some questions. Then listen when they respond, and try to remember what they say.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am not good at this. I dare to instruct on this matter only because, as a learner rather than as a master, I have to break down into doable chunks the features of gracious behavior that good people know instinctively and practice so effortlessly that they are not aware of it and cannot it explain to you.

I also instruct because I have been privileged to observe some excellent role models.

Before my wife met my brother Dave I warned her, "He will probably interview you." By that I meant that he would ask her lots and lots of questions for no other reason than to get to know her better. He does that to people because he is genuinely interested in them. Something I've noticed too: by being interested in other people and acquiring through questions massive amounts of information about them, you become a more interesting person yourself. Dave is interesting.

My mother was interesting too. At her funeral 10 years ago my friend Bill said to me, "Your mother would talk to high school sophomores as though their opinions really mattered." By reflecting on table-talk from my youth I saw he was right. Mom often did not seem to realize that she was a grownup with authority to pontificate but no obligation to listen. Like a curious peer she would ask my friends things and probe them with follow-up questions, and if she argued it was just a sign that she was taking them seriously.

I know that it is hard to elicit responses from some people. Maybe they just don't want to talk, or maybe they have nothing to say. After a few of their monosyllables it might be best to let them get back to their earphones.

For the rest, try to think of something to ask. Here's a question for any occasion: "Which would you rather be, an ostrich or a penguin?" If you ask that of an interesting person you may get a thoughtful response that reveals the hidden depths of a delightful personality. I'm afraid though that if you ask it of me I'll just look at you blankly and say, "What kind of stupid question is that?"