April 8, 2007: Think Of Others When You Hurt

I think that getting distressed people to think about others is good
counseling.

Years ago I read an account of a man who by God's grace was brought
back from suicidal depression. He mentioned that the person most
helpful to his recovery was a counselor who forced him to think
through the aftermath of the act he had planned. "How would you do
it?" the counselor asked. "With a gun." "Where?" "In my room." "What
time of day?" "I suppose around noon." "Who would be the first to
discover your body?" Pause. "My son." "Describe to me exactly what
your son would see and smell as he opened the door." And so on. In
brutal and sequential detail he was prompted to relate how his act
would affect other people. Now the issue was no longer "me and my
despair" but "others and their well-being."

When I related this story in Sunday School someone with experience in law enforcement confirmed that this is what negotiators do when trying to talk a jumper down from a ledge. They don't talk about the jumper and his predicament. They don't try to persuade him that life isn't so bad and that he really has things to live for after all. Instead they talk about the aftermath of the splat. What will it do to others? I suppose that even if the individual has no family to mourn him, you can still talk about the sound of crunching bone and all the blood on the sidewalk that will sicken and disturb bystanders, including kids. Please, for their sake, don't jump.

Something I think I have learned in talking to people with intractable
problems is that it helps to get them talking about other people. (I
say I think I have learned this helps because, in all honesty, I don't
know squat about counseling, and cannot claim to instruct those who
are skilled at it.) When I used to call a friend who had experienced
an unspeakable tragedy, I disciplined myself for months not to ask the
question, "How are you?" or "How are you doing?" I didn't ask because
I already knew. He was doing awful and was filled with unbearable
sorrow most of the time. So I asked about his wife and kids and
activities, and told him (in a way I hope did not come across as
self-absorbed) what was going on with me. He spoke of his grief, and I was thankful he was willing to do that - but thankful also that personal grief was not the only thing he talked about.

If we can help others by getting them to think about others, perhaps
we can use this method on ourselves to alleviate our gloom as well.
There is a scene in Tender Mercies (great film!) where Robert Duvall
finds himself in terrible grief over a sudden loss. He goes outside
and throws a football around with his young stepson, and that helps.