Aiding The Abused (October 30, 2005)

I remember hearing years ago that if you mistreat a man, you will come to despise him. It is a psychological quirk we resort to in order to spare ourselves the pangs of conscience. We cannot stand to think that we have simply been unjust. So if I hurt you, you must have had it coming. I sure hope you had it coming. Please, somebody tell me that this person I just hurt is evil and I did the right thing. Thank you, I thought so.

Mistreated people don't have a lot of options. If they defend themselves and hit back, they encourage the bullies to be even more brutal. If they cry they seem whiny, and who wants to be around that? If they do nothing, it's hard to tell if they have laudably turned the other cheek or stupidly allowed evil to flourish. It is hard to be a victim.

Which is why I was much encouraged to hear from a friend about the strong stand his church has taken against a particular form of victimization, namely spouse abuse. A recent bulletin insert listed eight sadistic behaviors (wisely non-gender specific), and assured the wounded that "the pastoral staff and elders are committed to stand in the gap for you. You are not alone."

I hope they meant it and are prepared to follow through. I happen to know as I write this that they are being informed of an outrageous case of spouse abuse in their midst. The time to act is upon them.

A month or so ago I informed our church board of my resolve to confront hate-filled abusers. Reading aloud a case study, I said, "If any of you ever do this to your spouse, I will come after you. If any of your spouses do this to you, I will come after them." Abusers must not go unchallenged, and victims must not be left to fend for themselves.

If you ever go to the aid of the wounded, don't be surprised to find them a little disoriented. They have been subjected both to harm that fed hatred and hatred that fed harm. They have listened to James Dobson and Gary Chapman and Dennis Rainey and other "family experts" and found their counsel spectacularly unhelpful. They can't begin to communicate their daily nightmare to those who say, "Why don't you just buy her some flowers?" or, "If you paid him a compliment he would brag about you to everyone." They have tried. It does not work. They don't know what to do any more.