“Affair-Proofing” A Marriage (June 5, 2005)

I visited a church and saw that the pastor is preaching a series of messages on questions submitted by his congregation. On July 17 (Lord willing) he'll preach on "How can I 'affair-proof' my marriage?"

The question seems to assume that a marriage can be "affair-proofed." I deny that it can. If someone were to ask me "Can I affair-proof my marriage?" I would answer no - not any more than you can murder-proof your life. There are two ways you could be directly involved in a murder: (1) you commit it or (2) you are the victim of it. It is very easy to murder-proof your life in the first sense: just don't kill anybody. It is the second part that is tricky. How do you keep other people from killing you? Certainly you can work to make your victimization less likely. Don't tick off violent people, don't loiter by yourself late at night in bad neighborhoods, don't be a cop, don’t be a third world missionary. These measures better your odds, but there is no way to guarantee that someone won't kill you. Jesus, St. Paul, and 10 of the 11 apostles were executed. Of all of them, only St. John really succeeded in "murder-proofing" his life.

It is the same with adulterous affairs. You can certainly control your own behavior: just don't cheat on your spouse. I think we pastors have done our flocks a terrible disservice by suggesting that this is difficult and fraught with hazards and we're wonderful people if we remain faithful. If we do fall, well so did King David and he was forgiven, etc etc. Now wait just a minute. In the Old Testament adulterers were supposed to be stoned to death, and in the New Testament it's even worse! They go to hell. Read 1 Corinthians 6:9-10; Galatians 5:19-21 and Revelation 21:8 concerning the damnation of unrepentant adulterers. It is not heroic to be faithful - it is soul-damning not to be. The truth that we can repent and be forgiven for any sin has been amplified in our day into a shout that drowns out God's commands concerning chastity and faithfulness, and prevents us from hearing that sexual misconduct invites his wrath. Do not commit adultery. Don't. Fear God. If you really want to be immoral, then convert to Buddhism or some permissive religion like that - and take your chances on judgment day that the Bible is wrong and Jesus Christ is not King of kings and Lord of lords.

So half of "affair-proofing" your marriage is under your complete control. It is really a matter of whether or not you love and fear God. But what about the other half? How do you keep your spouse from cheating on you?

Good luck with that. Sorry to be so cynical, but I'm afraid my cynicism is the product of real (though thankfully not personal) experience. I have known several adulterers, and every last one of them was a devious lying self-centered creep, and I am fully convinced that nothing their spouses could have done would have prevented them from wandering. They cheated on wives who were bright, beautiful, kind, godly and submissive; they cheated on husbands who were gentle, godly, loving and responsible. It is a revolting cruelty to say of the victims, Uh oh - I guess they didn't affair-proof their marriages! Please. The victims of adultery have suffered enough. Do not add to their burden.

Here is what you can do. Love God, obey his commands, do what is right concerning your spouse. Husbands, love your wives; wives, submit to your husbands. (Colossians 3:18-19). Maybe your goodness will influence them and you will rejoice; maybe it won't and you will grieve. But don't buy the lie that you can "affair-proof" your marriage. You can only "affair-proof" a person, and the only person you can do that to is yourself.