The Sin I Never Hear About (August 17, 2003)

There are two types of sexual sin, but unless I'm missing something, there is only one type that I hear condemned from pulpits, confessed at Promise Keepers or discussed on Christian radio. That is the sin of having sex when you shouldn't. Examples include adultery, fornication, homosexual practice, rape, pedophilia and lust. (Lust - even where there is no sexual contact - is included in this list because Jesus identified sexual covetousness as "adultery of the heart" in Matthew 5:28.)

But I think the other kind of sexual sin has been getting a free pass in evangelical circles. That is the sin of not having sex when you should - the sin of withholding legitimate sexual pleasure from your married partner. When was the last time you heard a sermon condemning frigidity?

As Christians we are often ridiculed by the world because our insistence on purity is interpreted as a slam against sex. “You think sex is dirty!“ No, far from it - we don't hate sex - but I do wonder if we feed the world's contempt of us by (1) neglecting to celebrate the delights of conjugal ecstasy and (2) neglecting to condemn the sin of withholding such delight.

The Bible isn't shy about celebrating sex. Many who read the Song of Solomon for the first time respond with a "Wow! I can't believe the Bible says that!" Things also get a little heated in Proverbs 5:18-19: "May you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love."

Nor is the Bible shy about condemning the (marital) refusal of sex. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says, "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent..." I believe that last line is an oft-disobeyed commandment. The assumption in the minds of many is that there needs to be mutual consent to engage in sex - but this text teaches the opposite. It says that there needs to be mutual consent to refrain from sex. Marital abstinence is acceptable only if both parties agree to it. But if one party desires sex, it is wrong for the other to withhold it.

Years ago in college my roommate and I laughed out loud as an uninhibited friend told us of his desire to marry. "I have a real strong sex drive," he said. "I can't imagine being single the rest of my life. I want to have sex SO bad." Well there is nothing wrong with that. The Bible says "It is better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9). Marriage, among many other things, is God's channel for what might otherwise be a reckless, uncontrolled torrent of passion. I haven't seen that college friend in 20 years, and I don't know how things turned out for him. But I do hope that he conscientiously confined his sexual delights to his wife, and that he was blessed to marry a woman who, as necessary, chose obedience to 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.