Honoring Vows (August 29, 2004)

Reflecting upon Rosita's faithful care of her incapacitated husband from his stroke in 1993 until his death last week has called to mind some thoughts about wedding vows.

I was startled by the words of the pastor who conducted the wedding for my friends Doug and Linda. He talked about their vows with a forthrightness you seldom hear. He said, "You are committed to one another 'for richer or poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.' Doug, there may come a time when Linda gets very sick. You must care for her. Linda, there may come a time when Doug is worse as a person than he is now. You must remain with him."

Thankfully that pastor's words have not proven prophetic - Linda has stayed healthy and Doug has only gotten more Christlike. But the pastor put his finger on something that young people in the thrall of love seldom think about. Things can get worse in unpredictable ways. Your beautiful wife may succumb to Multiple Sclerosis, or Parkinson's, or dementia, or become a quadriplegic - and you will become her caretaker. Your devoted husband may turn into an irritable, contemptuous, self-absorbed jerk - and you'll be stuck with an unhappiness that no counseling can alleviate. But it is just for cases like these that we recite vows in the first place, promising before God and witnesses to keep loving each other till death parts us. No one would need to promise that if love always remained easy.

The pastor who spoke those compelling words to Doug and Linda got divorced sometime later. So did the Reverend who married my Linda and me. I don't know why - never heard the details of either case. I do know that some terrible sin must have been committed, because either adultery or abandonment led to a biblically warranted divorce (Matthew 19:9 and 1 Corinthians 7:15), or because someone dissolved the marriage in contempt of the God before whom they recited their vows. There is no such thing as a no-fault divorce. Divorce always involves sin. That is not to say that those who get divorced have sinned. I like to say that divorce is sin just as murder is sin. A killer and his victim are both "involved in" a murder, but they do not share equal blame. Same thing with rape - it is a gross cruelty to lump together those who commit such a crime with those who are victims of it. It is wrong to assume that all divorcees are marital sinners. Remember that but for an angel's intervention, the most blessed woman who ever lived would have been a divorcee (Matthew 1:19).

You cannot control what your spouse does, becomes, or falls victim to. You can control what promises you make and whether you will fulfill them. If you are single, then do not take wedding vows unless you plan to abide by them. Look around at failed marriages, and determine that "as far as it depends on you" (Romans 12:18), you will not fail. Consider those who became sick and could not (or bad and would not) respond to their spouse's love. If you are ever on the painful side of such deprivation, will you still love? If not, then marry not.

And if you are already married, then "take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you" (Philippians 3:17) and imitate them. Imitate Rosita's steadfast devotion whenever it is your turn to do so. God bless your marriage. God bless the faithful fulfillment of all your vows.